Joe’s Journal

Ms. Pigette for governor?

Wed, 07/19/2017 - 9:00am

I was sitting at my desk the other day when the phone rang. Yes, it was Ms. Piggette, the local authority on most everything and everyone, the famed personage who holds up a mailbox on Route 27 across the street from Joan Rittall’s home.

“Did you see it?” she said. “My glorious photo on Page 2 of the Boothbay Register. It was in last week. In color no less.”

“Oh,” I said. “You mean the gag photo of a wedding party with you in the middle?”

“What. Listen Buster. That was no gag photo. It was an exquisite portrait of Moi flanked by four supermodels. We were all  wearing Louis Vuitton, or was it Versace or Ralph Lauren? It is hard to remember.”

Oh yes. I remember the photo. But you look much better now. It must have been taken before you had work done. Right?”

“You noticed, darling. Of course I look much better. A nip here, a tuck there, a glass of wine and voila, Moi, the porcine goddess, is back on top of her game.”

“So Porcine Goddess, what’s on your mind, other than yourself.”

“Watch it, Buster. I called to give you a political scoop. Before I call Dawn Gilbert, Bruce MacDonald, and Paul Coulombe, I wanted you to know I am thinking of running for governor.”

“OK,” I said, pausing for a moment to let the thought of Ms. Pigette presiding over the Blaine House sink in.

“You sound surprised. Don’t you think it is a wonderful idea?” she asked.

“Well, to be honest, I am a bit dazzled. Your political insights are remarkable, but I have never thought of you as a candidate for political office,” I said. She just kept talking.

“Look at it from my perspective. The public seems to be tired of ordinary political candidates. Just look at the guy in the White House or our current governor. One came from a TV show and the other from Marden’s. Neither can get along with legislators or the press.

“I have been on my post for years. Everyone knows me and smiles when they look at my lovely figure. Right? The public loves me. I am a cinch to win.”

I told her I was sure everyone loved her, but wondered if that was enough to get elected governor.

“I have got it all thought out. I will check with Dawn, Bruce, and Paul first, of course, but I think this is the year of the woman candidate. Boothbay Harbor has a majority of selectmen who are of the female gender. Our state representative, Stephanie Hawke is a woman — she has the nicest smile don’t you think? Former Democrat Mary Mayhew is running as a Republican, Democrat Attorney General Janet Mills is running, too. The rumor mill says Senator Susan Collins is thinking about running and God knows what Elliot Cutler will do.

“But I have figured it out. Think about it for a moment. The strong political centrist parties have been taken over by factional interests. This year, we will have candidates representing the religious Republicans, Tea Party Republicans, business Republicans, country club Republicans, strong military Republicans, Second Amendment Republicans, anti-tax Republicans, John Birch Republicans and plain old Republican Republicans.

“On the other side, we will have candidates representing the Bernie Sanders socialist Democrats. We will have candidates from the labor union Democrats, environmental Democrats, LGBT Democrats, feminist Democrats, minority rights Democrats, anti-war Democrats, soak the rich Democrats and save the whales Democrats. The primary battle will be a cluster flop. No one will win on the first ballot.

“Here in Maine, we soon will have ranked choice voting. This means the factional candidates will be the first choice of their supporters. Now, because they all hate each other, and are unlikely to support a candidate from another faction of the party as second choice, right? And, everyone loves me. Who would be the best candidate for a second choice?

“Who do you think? None other than your neighborhood political whiz, the all seeing, all knowing sage of the peninsula — Ms. Pig. So, I figure that none of the factional candidates will get enough votes to win a nomination and the second choice candidate — namely me — will be chosen on both sides. When I win more second place votes on both the Republican and Democratic side, I will become the de facto winner of the general election. It makes perfect sense, Right?”

I thought for a minute then reminded her of a problem. “Didn’t the state supreme court say ranked choice voting violated the constitution?”

“That is just a minor detail,” she said. “I got to go. Don Carrigan and and Bill Nemitz are on the other line.”

Click.