“Oh, It’s you again. What do you want now?”

That was the pleasant greeting Ms. Piggette gave me the other day when I stopped to get her latest take on this most unusual presidential campaign. I thought the all-knowing Boothbay fixture might be able to help us understand what is going on with the folks who want to lead our beloved nation.

So, I parked my little blue car by her mailbox on Route 27, leaned out the window and opened our conversation by complimenting her on her stylish swimsuit. She was not amused.

“Don’t give me that baloney, you Old Goat. You are just a dirty old man trying to take a close peek at a classic American beauty — Moi.

“Well Buster, just look, but don’t touch. in case you missed it, once again, I am in fashion. A magazine cover at the Hannaford checkout line said womanly curves are now the in thing. And who has more womanly curves than yours truly?”

I told her I had seen that magazine. It also said Elvis was alive, the moon landing was fake and Bigfoot lived on Barters Island, but I thought it better not to mention those items.

She let out a snort and stared back at me. “If you would just clean those coke bottles you call glasses you might just appreciate my exquisite feminine figure, and ever so curvy charms. Now, Grandpa, what do you want?”

Fair enough, I said. Let’s start with the Democrats. With the GOP candidate stumbling all over his tongue and his campaign staff making more mistakes than the last two Maine Democrat candidates for governor, why isn't Hillary Clinton winning in a walk?

“Easy,” she said. “Lots of folks just don't like her. The FBI Director, a well-respected professional, questioned her veracity in public. And there is the question of her missing emails and making lots of money speaking to Wall Street types. These are not things that trigger lots of support. Remember, she still has to woo the idealistic youngish Democrats who were enamored by the rap from a 74-year-old socialist. Then there is the 30 years of Clinton baggage she has to carry. I think if the Republicans had put up an ordinary candidate, one who was qualified and experienced and thoughtful … Oh, I forgot, they did. And Donald Trump cleaned their clocks. Next question.”

OK. What is it with Trump? If the Democratic Party candidate is so flawed, why is the GOP candidate not way ahead in the polls?

“Well, the question of dodging questions about his tax returns aside, Donald Trump’s campaign has all the earmarks of being managed by a pair of crack political operatives: Inspector Clouseau and Wile E. Coyote. It has been a disaster, and there are few indications it will get any better.”

If the Trump candidacy is so flawed, why aren’t other Republicans abandoning him?

“You know my mantra: A politician”s main job is to get elected. If they don’t get elected, they can’t go on junkets, swan around Washington and get on TV. Politics 101 says a strong presidential candidate is a big help for House and Senate candidates. This year, they are all worried that the presidential candidates (on both sides) might suddenly implode. So, many of them don’t know what to do and have spent their summer trying to hide from the voters who want to know if they support the party’s nominee. I call hiding out the strategy of hope. As in: I hope something good will happen in the next two months.”

Well, Ms. Curvy Piggette, what does it mean for the ordinary voter, who seems to be a bit confused?

“Well, with the polls indicating that voters view both candidates as unfavorable, nothing is for certain. The national economy is not red hot and God knows what will happen in the Middle East. Here is my bottom line, Pilgrim: it is way too early to use the present polling data to predict what the voters will do on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

“So, If you want to bet what is left of your 401K on the outcome of this campaign, you are stupid enough to buy shares on that old rickety bridge spanning the Townsend Gut. One thing is for sure. This year’s campaign is one for the record books. Just fasten your seat belt and grab the little white barf bag. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

“Now scram. You are blocking my view of the beautiful Community Garden. If you leave, maybe Lady Joan Rittall will stop over with some fresh corn. A cool glass of white wine would be nice too.”