The Salty Paws October 2020
WE DID NOT WIN DOWNEAST MAGAZINE'S BEST OF THE BEST CONTEST.
I suggest every one of you do what I did: Cry in a hot shower for an hour or so and then mail Downeast Magazine the contents of your sink drain every day until they change their minds.
HOWEVER: The Downeast Dog News Best of the Best will be announced in November.
DON'T FORGET NEXT MONTH IS NOVEMBER AND I'LL BE HARASSING YOU (EMAIL ONLY) TO BUY STUFF ON EARLY BIRD- NOVEMBER 21st.
Please buy stuff from us on Early Bird online because the actual one in Boothbay Harbor will most likely be cancelled and we'll have to sell a dog or two off to medical science so we can afford Netflix... er... pay the heating bill.
WE LOVE HATE MAIL!
Actual Yelp Review: ●○○○○ Lousy. Fine little/locally owned place but the person who helped me (the owner I think) is just rude. - Scott M.
Response: Scott, I am honored and humbled to be your first Yelp review way back in 2018. Since then, I see you've done a total of two more reviews- both one-star. I also noticed your other two reviews are positively breathless in scope- with damning personal testimony, ALL CAP RANTS, and scathing demands for refunds.
Forgive me if I get a little teary-eyed, but I can't help thinking that my rudeness that day set you off on a course of Yelp One-Star Greatness. And thanks for sparing me all the long-winded, dreary detail you assailed the other hapless businesses with. That was nice.
CLICK HERE FOR SCOTT'S 3 REVIEWS
~ Don (Not a Dog)
The Coal Shack
Most all of you just rip by this section of the newsletter, and I get it. I'm just harassing you like some 3rd World beggar, whilst you are in a great hurry to the important Dog Blog at the end of the newsletter.
I obviously can't charge you for the blog, so mayhap one of you Super-to-Moderately Rich people out there will consider ordering hundreds of thousands of dollars of stuff so I don't have to monetize the blog to pay for the snowblower's new carburetor.
If you haven't joined us here before, this is the part of the newsletter where we highlight our web-only deals for the month. That's right! These specials are available ALL MONTH LONG, and EXCLUSIVELY to you guys - our rabid newsletter-getters! Of course I throw it up on Facebook mid-month. And if you forwarded this to people you know and they bought stuff with the codes, we would have no way of knowing. So have at it!
And remember all you Boothbay Region Locals - these aren't shop specials. You need to buy them from the website and come in and get them! Or I can mail them to you. Or I can drop them off. Whichever you prefer, just let us know in the "Ordering Instructions" part of your Shopping Cart
SINGLE INGREDIENT TREATS
Most of these items are pretty gruesome inasmuch as they are severed animal parts. But there are some things that won't make you gag- like Sweet Potato treats and antlers.
And please don't be one of these (virtual) people who come into the shop and loudly exclaim "DUCK FEET!?!?!? THAT'S GROSS!!!!!"
Because then I will have to patiently explain to you that we only remove one foot from each duck. Then, when you're perplexed as to whether that's humane or cruel, I will tell you that if your dog didn't eat that duck foot, you probably would eat it in the form of a hot dog.
That's your cue to say "NO WAY" and slowly back out of my shop and into the cold, black night forever.
SINGLE INGREDIENT TREATS - NOW 33.07698% OFF!
Use Coupon Code: 1FTDUCK
<< Click HERE >>
No. These don't have Thanksgiving Turkey stuffing in them. It's just that white fluffy bunting that dumb dogs eat. And then they poop it out in big loads that leave the highly soiled bunting all over your back yard until spring when you drink enough wine to realize IT'S DISGUSTING AND YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Wow. That was a good amount of free-writing, yet it didn't even get me close to the bottom of the photo. I guess I'm going to have to write some more. Oh wait! I can just make the font bigger.
ALL BASEBALL HATS
If I didn't have the shop I'd probably be cloaked in filthy, decades-old rags. My mother always lived in fear of me wearing a potato sack or large box to school.
Luckily, my wife has continued my mother's long tradition of seeing that I'm clothed in public. Most importantly- that I'm fully clothed in something that won't panic the tourists.
That means a lot of my clothing is purloined from the shop. Thank Dog for these baseball hats.
I especially like these baseball hats because:
1) I like baseball.
2) Baseball hats allow me to skip a morning shower by covering up my unruly, fractal-like hair. At least on my head.
If I haven't forcibly conscripted you into this monthly newsletter, you've probably seen me at the shop with one of these hats on my freakishly-huge head. No, no... It's OK. I know my head is gigantic. I came to terms with that in 8th grade.
Fits most freakish-sized heads.
THESE ARE HAND-EMBROIDERED IN MAINE. THEY MIGHT TAKE A WEEK OR SO TO SHIP. DON'T BE A JERK ABOUT IT, OR DON'T ORDER IT.
ALL BASEBALL HATS - 27.1996638% OFF!!!!
Use Coupon Code: FREAKISH
DISCLOSURE: This product is from Canada- a country we, through no fault of our own, are currently engaged in a vicious and brutal trade conflict.
Normally, I love Canada. Bob and Doug McKenzie in the film "Strange Brew" was one of my favorite movies.
Nevertheless, we cannot let Canadian tyranny hold sway over this nation!
Since we bought a gagizilion dollars (US) worth of this stuff, and we have no idea when we can get this product again, we're letting it go cheap.
Protects dog paws in winter, dog noses in summer. I use it on my lips before I fall asleep. It's also handy for making post-apocalyptic candles.
37.8085% OFF MUSHER'S SECRET PAW WAX
Use Coupon Code: CANDADAR
<< Click HERE >>
The Boothbay Region
2 Random People Who Correctly Identify This Boothbay Region Land Trust Preserve Get A Free Bag Of Bare Bites Challenge
When: All October Long
Where: At Two Salty Dog's World-Famous Website
You see how I changed the title? Instead of the first 2 people, to correctly identify the BRLT preserve, it's 2 RANDOM people who correctly identify the BRLT preserve. That means you can make a guess on the last day of the month and STILL WIN.
WE ONLY HAD ONE WINNER THIS MONTH.
The correct answer was "Gregory Preserve." Many people guessed Ovens Mouth or Porter's Preserve. I'm guessing because of the bench.
Look guys. Last month there were ZERO winners. This month, there was ONE winner- Jean H.. Just frickin' guess and you might be 3oz of dehydrated beef liver richer. Just Saying....
Test your knowledge of the Boothbay Region Land Trust Preserves in a Do-or-Die, Winner-Take-All Killfest for scrumptious Bare Bites! Good Luck! We'll also announce the winners from last week! Could you have won? Well, not if you didn't play, Sillypants!
WE post a photo of a Boothbay Region Land Trust preserve (above). YOU be a person who guesses the BRLT preserve correctly. If your correct guess is drawn out of a filthy gunnysack with all the other correct answers, WE give YOU a FREE 3oz bag of Bare Bites! It's THAT simple! We'll even mail it to you!
Click here or on the photo above for a higher resolution photo and email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org with your answer and all the information necessary to steal your identity. One guess per entrant per month, please.
PET LOSS GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP
Thursday, October 15⋅3:30 – 5:00pm
CHANS Home Health & Hospice,
45 Baribeau Drive, Brunswick, ME 04011
Midcoast Humane and CHANS Home Health & Hospice's grief and bereavement volunteers are teaming up to offer grief support for pet owners.
These support sessions are open to anyone who is grieving the loss of a beloved pet or who may soon face the passing of a pet. These losses are critical to process and a support group provides a safe, comforting environment to do so.
Please join us to share experiences and stories of your animal companions.
Please call group facilitator Andy Sokoloff at 721-1357 or email email@example.com to pre-enroll.
Max and Aug's Dog Blog
A lot of you have sent me emails about how much you hate my guts for calling Buddy "Big Dumb Buddy."
Of course, none of you ask WHY we call him Big Dumb Buddy. We started calling him "Big Dumb Buddy" because he's big, he's really dumb, and his name is Buddy.
When we feed our ungrateful beasts, we keep them waiting outside a sliding glass door on our deck. When the food bowls are ready, we slide the door open and let them all charge through to their respective meals. It's pretty much the closest thing you'll see to a buffalo stampede.
One fine day, when Buddy could still run, we hired a carpenter to replace that sliding glass door, and we had to let the dogs through the regular door- on the same deck- into the same room- with their food bowls in the same place.
When we opened the door, the dogs charged for their bowls. Except Buddy. He ran around and around the center of the room whimpering. Liana and I had quite good laugh at our dog who couldn't find his food bowl when let in another door.
We thought it was funny because we thought Buddy would eventually find his food bowl. After a minute or so with Buddy running around in circles, we stopped laughing and looked at each other.
Yep. We had a Dumb Dog on our hands.
Liana caught him by his collar and gently led him to his bowl, where he was ever so grateful.
None of you should think we love him any less than our other dogs because he's dumb. Sometimes that "dumbness" is incredibly endearing.
See You Next Month!