HEAVENS TO MERGATROID!!!!
IT'S EARLY BIRD!!!!! OUR "ONCE IN A LIFETIME ANNUAL SALE!!!!"

This is the ONLY web sale we have besides Men's Night and it accounts for over 37% of my yearly income and 97% of my yearly complaints. Liana and I have big hopes for this Early Bird Sale. We're hoping to spruce up our little abode under I-95 Bridge #235 and buy a tarp to keep all the sparrows from pooping on our faces.

What makes Early Bird so special? It's poorly mismanaged by.... Wait... does poorly mismanaged mean that it's managed great? Two negatives making a positive? What about that word every English Major Nerdlinger was all up in arms about for two weeks about a year ago? Irregardless? Never mind.

EARLY BIRD FACTS:

FACT #1)
On November 19th, the earlier one of you brutish little consumers purchases something from my Inter-Webs site, the more that faceless consumer shall save. Just look at the incredibly technical table provided by The US Department of Being Puckered Up on the right.

FACT #2)
OUR PHYSICAL SHOP IS NOT OPEN AT MIDNIGHT. ONLY OUR WEBSITE IS. PLEASE STOP SHOWING UP AND KNOCKING ON THE SHOP DOOR. I WILL ONLY LAUGH AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY. Our physical store schedule is ALSO to the right. See if you can tell the website sale hours from the shop hours and write a 1,200 page dissertation about it (not including figures and appendices). Good Luck!

FACT #3) Squids have over 17 stomachs they use to create the coveted "calamari."

FACT #4) There are excluded items. Please familiarize yourself with them on our Early Bird Webpage before accusing me of being a charlatan. It hurts my feelings and my feelings mustn't ever be hurt. By anyone. No matter how cute you are.

FACT #5) THE ONLY TIME WE SPAM YOU is for his sale. That means between November 1st and the 19th, you will get a bunch of emails from us that are designed to worm their way into your head and release all your disposable income to us on the 19th.

DID YOU KNOW?

(1) Everyone who shops with us for Early Bird is entered into a drawing and virtually GUARANTEED* to win one of seven gift certificates? Behold:

ONE $100 Gift Certificate
TWO $50 Gift Certificates
FOUR $25 Gift Certificates

In fact, you don't even have to buy anything to enter for this more-than-generous giveaway. We just want email addresses so we can clog the fraying internet with our stupid newsletter and all the subsequent crap I send you. Feel free to enter multiple times with your petless relative's and coworker's emails with the understanding that they will be subscribed to this Newsletter and ruin any personal or professional relationship you have with them, Ace. I'll take it from there. ENTER THE GIFT CERTIFICATE GIVEAWAY HERE.

(2) How many times do I have to answer this question: "CAN I USE THE GIFT CERTIFICATE I JUST WON AT EARLY BIRD AND GET THE EARLY BIRD DISCOUNTS?" This just tears my shorts. Wait until our Men's Night Sale, Bucko. The Gift Certificate will still be good in a month. In fact, it will only be worthless when the world becomes a nuclear-burnt cinder flying round the sun or we are run out of town and forced to close.

(3) I will be adding products to the website like a... a... crazy website adder. I will also be paying people actual money to add a bunch of new stuff. Check out all the NEW STUFF on our NEW STUFF PAGE HERE.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY:

(1) Our “Once in a Lifetime Annual Early Bird Web Sale” starts on Saturday, November 19th at Midnight. Our Shop Sale starts at 5am.

(2) There are conditions and exceptions to both. View them HERE.

(3) Every Early Bird shopper is entered to win one of seven Gift Certificates. Cheapskates can enter the contest without purchase HERE. One entry per email address. Entering subscribes the address to our monthly Newsletter. You may unsubscribe at any time, and we DON’T sell your email address.

(4) I will be working very hard to populate our NEW STUFF PAGE until the day of the sale. Check back often. That's an order.

Now go fetch me the whiskey jug, boy.

*Really? You believed that winning a gift certificate was guaranteed? What is the matter with you? You're the kind of person what necessitates warnings on consuming too much dihydrogen monoxide on bottled water labels.