HILLBILLY SUPPORT GROUP NOW SUNDAY @ 7:30AM
Liana and I are on vacation this month. So click on the link to the newsletter below to get the usual funny emails. Or not. I don’t care....
I am going to keep things short this month to correspond with all your mayfly-like attention spans. Or maybe I'll just write a 500-page dissertation on the correct way to make toast. You'll just have to keep reading to see what develops.
1) I thought September's "We Love Hate Mail - Judy" was a laugh-riot. I laughed when I was corresponding with the real Judy. I laughed when I was editing it and putting the photos to it. I even laughed at the finished piece when I was sober. Some people told me they felt sorry for Judy and the bit was too long.
2) Now that summer is officially over, I can take down the sign that says: "Thank You For Not Spitting Your Gum In My Hair."
3) If you enjoy when I go off the rails complaining, click on THIS LINK to read the latest installment of The Harbor Dogs' Stories.
4) In honor of the Maine Summer dying a noble death, here are some "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" ala Mad Magazine back in the day. Only I call it "Snotty Answers to Nice People Who Ask Me Questions in My Shop." Not to be confused with, "We Love Hate Mail" aka "Insufferable People Get Reamed With My Acrid Wit."
That much should be clear.
Enjoy it or not. I don't care.
THE LOVELIEST OF THEM ALL
Email: "My wife and I have been getting your newsletter for years, but have never been in your shop. We disagree about what you look like. I picture you as a stooped-over skinny guy in his late 40's dressed in droopy denim and with a chronic, deep-seated cough. My wife thinks you are a portly gent not unlike a young Santa.
What DO you look like?"
Me: I'm "Reluctantly Beautiful."
I HATE HIM
Nice Woman in the Shop: "I LOVE your shop!!!"
Me: "It IS a pretty and eye-catching shop. But I should warn you that the owner is a not-at-all good man and has been seen in the local supermarket pushing his finger deep into the plastic of the fresh-baked banana bread. He also whistles loudly and tunelessly everywhere he goes. I hate him."
ACTUAL DRUNKEN TEXT EXCHANGE BETWEEN ME AND MY WIFE
Liana: Are you at Newagen? We just got here.
Me: I'm passed out on the public landing and I have a pet crab
Me: Get your own damn crab, be-yotch
WORKING ME OVER
Me -- Sitting at the end of the bar at Newagen writing this.
Jovial Hillbilly Tourist Sitting Down Next to Me Screaming In My Ear: "YOU'RE NOT WORKING ARE YOU?!?!"
Me: "I was."
Customer: "Do you have prong collars?"
Me: "Hehe.. Prong...."
Customer: "I just want a collar."
Me: "Right... Heh heh! A PRONG collar."
Customer: "I am going to punch you in the back of the head, set this place on fire and give you a bad review on on every social media site I can think of."
Me: "He Heh heh!!!! PRONG!"
THE POOP DECK
Interloper: Do you sell poop bags?
Interloper: Poop bags. Do you sell them?
Me: What are you talking about?
Interloper: Bags that pick up your dog's poop?
Me: THEY MAKE BAGS THAT PICK UP YOUR DOG'S POOP NOW!?!?!?!
Interloper: < Incredulous Look >
Me: MMMMM MNNNNNN noooo oooooo...... I don't think so.
Interloper: < Stares at me incredibly >
Me: Just kidding. They're right over there.
~~ Don (Not a Dog)
I suggest you explore Newfoundland Canada and eat nothing but cod for a month. Or at least explore our shabby, last-minute, misspel’t, gluten-free, cod-free, monthly e-newsletter that brings shame to my family: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-october-2023
Subscribe and have a nice piece of e-cod sent to you on the first of every month (Metaphorical cod. Not literal cod) : https://us8.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=0e5740287c6b4fe45247c8351&id=315369d469