Just kidding. I’d never hawk a product or my store in “THE BUZZ” section. It would be against the rules if there WERE any rules in this section. But hey, I have my code of honor and a tube of Chapstick. Instead, I’ll hawk my store’s NEWSLETTER here. A couple of things:
1) YES. I know this copy/paste looks like crap. Please don’t email me and tell me this. There are no more tears, people. I can cry no more.
2) If you want to see what the Newsletter looks like in all its glory, click this link: https://mailchi.mp/4b9fadb31957/the-salty-paws-july-7225706 It won’t take you to some disturbing site where I appear naked, save for a Raspberry thong and my clam-digger boots. It will take you to a fantasy land where humor abounds like gazelle on the endless African savanna.
3) If you just want to avoid all this claptrap and get The Salty Paws in your email inbox on the first of every month - sign up here: https://us8.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=0e5740287c6b4fe45247c8351&id=315369d469
4) Have a nice day.
5) No, really. Have a nice day. I dare you.
It is with a heavy heart that we are cancelling Mutt Scrub again. When we got down to brass tacks, we:
1) Didn't feel right about asking local businesses for gift certificates and donations given the economic situation.
2) Don't have the help in either the store or for the event to make it work.
3) DJ Meow Meow had a prior commitment to get spayed.
Next year, we'll make it one to remember. I've already committed to not wearing pants.
If you'd still like to give, please make checks payable to "Action for Animals" or "Old Dogs New Digs" and forward them to our Industrial Megaplex:
Two Salty Dogs
22 McKown St.
Boothbay Harbor ME 04538
NO RETURNABLE BOTTLE OR LIVESTOCK DONATIONS CAN BE ACCEPTED AT THIS TIME
WE LOVE HATE MAIL!
MAN IN SHOP WHO FANCIES HIMSELF AN EXPERT ON ALL THINGS DOG: "You shouldn't sell tennis balls."
ME: "We don't really sell them. We get them donated and give the proceeds to animal charities."
MISWFHAEOATD: "My vet says they're just awful for dogs. It cost me $1,500 to get his teeth fixed."
ME: "Your vet's teeth or your dog's?"
MISWFHAEOATD: <Completely Seriously> "My Dog's"
ME: "Why on Earth would you give your dog a fetch toy to chew on? Why not just give him a chew toy?"
MISWFHAEOATD: "Tennis balls were really cheap."
ME: "Did you ever think of teaching your dog to fetch?"
ME: "You present such a compelling case against tennis balls, I'll stop selling them immediately."
MISWFHAEOATD: <Struts out of the shop without buying anything -- happy that he's made a difference to a know-nothing bumpkin.>
~~ Don (Not a Dog)
The Coal Shack
A July Coal Shack is usually pretty easy. Normally, I'd just recycle last July's Newsletter and whip up a bunch of premier raffles. Then I'd crawl into bed with a bottle of Baileys and watch reruns of Welcome Back Kotter over and over.
But NOOOOO. THIS July I've got to come up with something from scratch. And that means little weenies are going to send me emails about how awful my grammar is or the complete etymology of the word "Fiddlesticks." Or is it Entomology? Write me and let me know.
If you haven't joined us here before, this is the part of the newsletter where we highlight our web-only deals for the month. That's right! These specials are available ALL MONTH LONG, and EXCLUSIVELY to you guys - our rabid newsletter-getters! Of course I throw it up on Facebook mid-month. And if you forwarded this to people you know and they bought stuff with the codes, we would have no way of knowing. So have at it!
And remember all you Boothbay Region Locals - these aren't shop specials. You need to buy them from the website and come in and get them! Or I can mail them to you. Or I can drop them off. Whichever you prefer, just let us know in the "Ordering Instructions" part of your Shopping Cart.
ALL CATNIP AND TOYS
Lots of people stride into my shop and loudly declare, "You don't have anything for cats." They give me some kind of self-satisfied-half-smile and cross their arms in subtle gesture of victory.
Without a word, I will lead them to The Kitty Corner. Then I will demand a full apology and that they buy something expensive.
Then I write my newsletter and reopen the wounds that should have healed many, many years ago.
SAVE 27.82217% ON ALL CATNIP & TOYS
Use Coupon Code: CATSNIPPY
<< Click HERE for More Info, Pudgy >>
ALL SOFT DOG TREATS
Doesn't the dog on the bag of treats in the upper right picture look uncannily like Mr. Pickles? Mr. Pickles is the demonic Border Collie of the Goodman family. Personally, I thought Satan's dog would be a Chihuahua or some kind of Terrier.
Because of the age we live in:
1) I am NOT suggesting all Border Collies, Chihuahuas and Terriers are Satanic. Only a few. Please don't email me about this.
2) I am NOT promoting Satanism or any kind of Devil worship. I am only making a suggestion regarding the shallow and fleeting appearances of two cartoon dogs. Please don't email me about this.
3) Mr. Pickles is NOT real. He is a cartoon character who lives solely in the fantasy land of Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network.
4) NOT ALL CARTOONS ARE KID-SAFE. I can't stress this enough. Please don't email me about how you showed your delicate child this cartoon and how he/she now injects bath salts on a minute-to-minute basis because of the trauma.
5) Hey lady, I don't drink at your kid's Playground, don't let him play in my Drinkgound. It's a matter of common respect. I can barely hear myself write this stupid newsletter.
6) Oh why bother? Where's the nearest playground?
ALL SILLY TOYS
Here we go again.
For some reason I keep thinking this is a great thing to put on sale because you jugheads out there have a sense of humor.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
I think I could offer these for free and not one of you would buy one. I call it "The Great Sales Void."
So here. Just look at these "Silly" toys.
But for Dog's Sake, don't buy anything funny at a discount.
It would disrupt my faith in you.
31.776325% OFF ALL SILLY TOYS
Use Coupon Code: SALESVOID
<< Click HERE for More Info, Puggy >>
ALL ROPE LEASHES
Here at Two Salty Dogs, we use these finely-crafted rope leashes with solid brass fittings to prevent our dogs from ever stopping and sniffing anything on their morning walks.
But as Mainers, we also use them to tie off our lobster boats, Zeppelins and horses. They also come in handy securing our livestock prior to being sacrificed to our heathen gods, pulling trucks out of bogs, and preventing wives/husbands from sleeping with the single drifter in the adjacent trailer.
But honestly, we don't care what you use them for after you buy them. You could use them to make your own Cirque du Soleil number. You could wrap them around your neck as a fashion statement. And what about turning them into nooses and showing the hoboes you have trapped in your basement who's boss?
There are infinite possibilities. You only need to choose all the possibilities you want.
INCLUDES THE WEISS WALKIE, you vultures.
The Boothbay Region
2 Random People Who Correctly Identify This Boothbay Region Land Trust Preserve Get A Free Bag Of Bare Bites Challenge
When: All July Long
Where: At Two Salty Dog's World-Famous Website
We only had ONE winner in June - Michael M. who correctly answered "Penny Lake." Evidently he has dogs who love to get thoroughly filthy at Penny Lake like 'Ol Bud.
Now it's your turn.
Test your knowledge of the Boothbay Region Land Trust Preserves in a Do-or-Die, Winner-Take-All Killfest for scrumptious Bare Bites! Good Luck!
WE post a photo of a Boothbay Region Land Trust preserve (above). YOU be a person who guesses the BRLT preserve correctly. If your correct guess is drawn out of a filthy gunnysack with all the other correct answers, WE give YOU a FREE 3oz bag of Bare Bites! It's THAT simple! We'll even mail it to you!
Click here or on the photo above for a higher resolution photo and email me at: email@example.com with your answer and all the information necessary to steal your identity. One guess per entrant per month, please.
Augustus M.B. Kingsbury's 10th Birthday
July 5th, 2021
That's right, the Aug Dog, the Hawg Dawg, The Aug Monster, Auggie Doggie... whatever you want to call him, he's turning 10 on July 5th!
So drop by the shop and watch Auggie feverishly devour a Farm 23 Doggie Birthday Cake in record time. Hopefully he doesn't get bloat or choke on the damn thing.
And don't be afraid that Ol' Aug is like his blogs. He's a very sweet and excitable dog. And he's generally happiest when everybody is getting a lot to eat.
He's one of the original Salty Dogs. Isn't that enough to come and wish Goggy McDoggie (that's the last of that, I promise), on July 5th?
He would come to your party if there was a lot of food for him.
Max and Aug's Dog Blog
Did you know that Teddy doesn't actually write a blog?
We steal parts of his diary and publish it to the entire world without his consent. Haha! Just kidding. He's a dog. He doesn't have consent in any real, legal sense. Some would make the case that publishing his diary is mentally cruel, and that constitutes animal cruelty. Those of you who think that should take some tranquilizers and call the authorities to be psychiatrically evaluated for the good of your community.
So if you're confused about why all Theodore's blogs start out, "Dear Diarrhea," now you know.
'Ol Small Head Ted wrote this piece before the passing of Buddy. Please don't take it as anything more than one dog writing in his Diarrhea about another dog he really didn't like.
See You Next Month!