THE NEWS FROM MARS

Tue, 02/22/2022 - 6:15am

PART I

b25404ae-063e-c4ce-824e-025b8e812498.jpgMost of you don't know this about me, but I love getting manicures and painting my nails a different color every week. Then I like to walk down to the public dock with my puppy Mars and soak in all the attention I can get.

Haha! Just kidding! Nobody is at the Boothbay Harbor Public Landing in the winter. That's why Liana can just take some lobsterman's rigging off the float and feed it to our it to our bat-spit crazy puppy dog without getting shot or a load of bait dumped on our lawn.

And look at Mars. He's 3-months old and looks like velociraptor spawn.

And he IS velociraptor spawn. He chews on everything-- shoelaces, gravel, lead-painted wainscotting, important tax forms, high-voltage extension cords, much angrier dog faces, customer's crotches, and a wide variety of embarrassing, dangerous and hilarious objects.

Click Here to see the most hilarious thing Mars has decided to chew on as revealed by Liana and my texts. And please understand that I think he ripped the object right out of the larger object. Liana still thinks I threw the larger object across the room in a fit of rage about my Facebook post not getting enough likes and Mars found the smaller object.

As Dog is my witness, I swear Mars ripped it out!


PART II

Mars has grown a lot in the last month. For example, he can now beat me in arm wrestling.

Ha ha! Just Kidding! ANYONE can beat me at arm wrestling. Or any wrestling for that matter.

And for those of you keeping score at home, Mars has reached his gangly phase. He's got a tiny head, massive trunk, stubbly legs, huge paws, and very long ears. He's a one-dog carnival freakshow.

FUN FACTS ABOUT MARS:

1) Will be retrograde to Betelgeuse until Groundhog Day 2029.

2) His extremely light eyes are accomplished by injecting newt / salamander glands directly into his temples 4 times a day.

3) Has yet to bite a supreme court justice.

4) Is very effective against enemy armor.

5) Has turned the corner from being a cute little puppy who only wants to please you, to a cute little puppy who only wants to do things that are sure to kill him.

6) People in the store have already called him fat.

7) Has the largest mountain in the Solar System - Olympus Mons.

8) I can't help but call him "Ftang Ftang Ole Biscuit Barrel."

9) Once got his tiny tongue solidly up my right nostril.

10) How awesome is the word "nostril?"

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Read our latest Newsletter that is just chock full of this sappy garbage here:  https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-february-7225836

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