WE LOVE HATE MAIL - A UNILATERAL AGREEMENT

Tue, 10/11/2022 - 11:00am

Nothing angries up my blood more than having to deal with a giant, faceless corporation that I don't own.

For example, one day I woke up hungover somewhere in South America and saw this email from Canidae (or CANIDAE, if you take their version of things), telling me they were pretty disappointed in me. They were very sorry, they said, but there was nothing they could do but destroy my shop with their rocket launchers because I broke "The Rules."

Normally, I'm a big fan of "The Rules." Especially when they're my rules in my shop, or they're preventing some lunatic from slamming into my car or engaging me in conversation at the bar.

But Canidae feels its business model is better served with a faceless corporation "unilaterally" imposing its will upon helpless small pet supply stores and their cranky owners.

They never counted my paltry, irritating, unilateral newsletter.


August 13, 2022

CANIDAE MAP Policy – First Notice of Violation

To Whom It May Concern,

As you know, CANIDAE unilaterally has adopted a Minimum Advertised Pricing Policy (the “MAP Policy”), You are receiving this letter [Email] because you are in violation of CANIDAE’s MAP Policy.

CANIDAE enjoys a hard-earned reputation.... [1,000+/- words regarding how awesome Canidae is]

CANIDAE’s MAP policy is a critical instrument for achieving this... [50 +/- words for "awesomeness"]. CANIDAE will supply its products for resale only by [Their 8 year-old editor means"to" instead of "by"] those authorized resellers who ... [200+/- words about how scary it is to be on Canidae's Spit List]. Evidence of your violation is enclosed with this letter, [They mean "in this email that could be from just about anyone on the planet including Some Russian Haxor, or my Uncle Larry who was just released from prison on the recognizance of Daffy Duck]

Within 24 hours of your receipt of this notice, please review your advertised pricing and make all necessary corrections to ensure full compliance with CANIDAE’s MAP Policy... [300 +/- words regarding how, if you don't comply within 24 hours, Canidae will kidnap your children and the CEO of Canidae will personally flog them with razor wire]

In addition to the violations specified here, you may have other advertising that violates CANIDAE’s MAP Policy, which you are responsible to correct. [500 +/- words about how Canidae has "enforcement mechanisms" that sound an awful lot like abductions, tanks and rocket launchers].

[A couple more short, encouraging paragraphs about how necessary this "letter" is, how much this is an embarrassing oversight on our part, and everything will be OK as long as Two Salty Dogs continues to drink every drop of prescribed CANIDAE Kool Aid]

Please respond to this email (mapadmin@canidae.com) with any questions or concerns.

Sincerely,
CANIDAE

The following product(s) were found to be in violation:

All Life Stages Dog Food | Dry | 44 lb
MAP= $74.99 Two Salty Dogs = $69.50


August 14th, 2022

Dear mapadmin@canidae.com,

What an exotic-sounding name! Is it Macedonian? Kyrgyzstani? New Hampshire? Please write me back with all speed. I am keen to know.

I hope I wrote you back before my 24 hours were up! Little Jessica got her head trapped in the dryer lint screen again despite her mother duct taping her to a support pole in the basement. She's such a smart kid! I hope you get to meet her at our annual family picnic we hold every Groundhog Day at Exit 197 on Interstate 95. Bring your own booze and anything you want barbecued over the Used Tire Fire.

Seriously, you guys are kidding me right? One of my local competitors sells this same product for $47.50/bag. That's less than I can buy it through my authorized wholesaler. And it sells for $71.24/bag with free shipping on Chewys.

Please clarify this situation or I will be forced into crop dusting Canidae's next shareholder's meeting.

I remain,

Don Kingsbury
Owner - Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitter


August 15th, 2022

CANIDAE MAP Policy – Second Notice of Violation

You are receiving this letter because twosaltydogs.net has violated CANIDAE’s Minimum Advertised Pricing Policy (the “MAP Policy”) a second time. Evidence is enclosed with this letter. [Again, an email, not a letter]

Because you chose not to abide by [You can just say "Abide" you bunch of hillbillies] CANIDAE’s MAP Policy after an initial notice of noncompliance, CANIDAE has unilaterally decided to withhold any promotional funding and/or support to you for all items that were advertised in violation of CANIDAE policies. [What funding / support are you talking about? And what the hell is it with you and the word "unilateral," huh? I KNOW it's unilateral. You certainly don't have my signature on anything to this effect.]

Accordingly, CANIDAE will continue to carefully monitor advertised pricing of CANIDAE products and will, in its sole discretion, vigorously enforce its MAP Policy ... by suspending or terminating you as an authorized reseller if you persist in publishing advertisements that violate the MAP policy.

Please respond to this email (mapadmin@canidae.com) with any questions or concerns.

Sincerely,
CANIDAE


August 15th, 2022

Dear mapadmin@canidae.com;

A cropdusting it is.

Your warnings are certainly dire and fraught with foreboding. It is therefore with this in mind that I have instructed my manservant to purchase all available shares of Canidae on the NYSE of with all speed.

Should you continue your dangerous, unilateral game of brinkmanship mapadmin@canidae.com, as majority shareholder of Caniade I shall call for your undignified dismissal! And I REVOKE my invitation to my Exit 197 Family Reunion!

Furthermore, I rescind my offer to escort you to the prom despite your “condition.”

I shan't be spoken to in such a rude or cavalier way by you or any other servo-mechanism.

I have disabled all Canidae products on my website and set my hair on fire. Please contact me soon as this is very, very painful.

I remain,

Don Kingsbury
Owner - Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters


August 15th, 2022

CANIDAE MAP Policy – Further Notice of Violation and Notice of Suspension

TYou are receiving this letter [Email] because twosaltydogs.net has once again violated CANIDAE’s Minimum Advertised Pricing Policy, even after receiving prior notice from us of a violation.

As a result of your persistent violation of CANIDAE’s MAP Policy, [For 2 days] CANIDAE unilaterally has decided to suspend twosaltydogs.net as an authorized reseller of CANIDAE products. This suspension will continue until CANIDAE, in its sole discretion, chooses to lift it. [That's unilateral thinking, boys] As previously noted, CANIDAE’s MAP Policy is vital to... [250 +/- words that basically says "Canidae"].

For any CANIDAE inventory that you may still have in your possession, we urge you to immediately correct the identified violations and to review all of your advertisements, now and in the future, [100 +/- words about how Canidae has the right to "take me out OUCHIE!!!by drone strike," which I unilaterally agreed to when I set my hair on fire] to ensure compliance with CANIDAE’s MAP Policy.

Please respond to this email (mapadmin@canidae.com) with any questions or concerns [Total BS].

[Un]Sincerely,

CANIDAE


August 16th, 2022

Dear mapadmin@canidae.com;

Please be advised of the following. We consider these following points to be flagrant and serious offenses against TWO SALTY DOGS PET OUTFITTERS.

1) TWO SALTY DOGS PET OUTFITTERS unilaterally signed you up for our newsletter, The Salty Paws. Hopefully, your servo-mechanical eyes shall see the idiocy of your correspondence.

2) My competitors continue to sell your product below your MAP. Chewy is currently advertising it for $71.24/bag, where canidae's MAP is $74.99.

3) West Virginnie ain't no Virginnie and never will be, and my ancestors would rise from the dead if they knew there was a NORTH Dakota. Do you miss Larry King? Nobody likes a spoilsport. What's the difference between univalves and bivalves between friends? Stop touching me on my leg. It stings. What do you think of the Salty Paws Newslewtter? Gaucho life is true life. What dinosaur would you bring back if you could only bring back one? What if that dinosaur was your Best Man/Lady at your wedding? Is there any more Ouzo? I should probably sealcoat my driveway this year. Blonde, Brunette, Redhead or miscellaneous? Etc....

4) Furthermore, I have unilaterally enabled these canidae products on my website with the following prices. I trust there is no further violation of canidae's Awesome and Unilateral and Necessary MAP Policy.

A) Pureland
-PureLand 10lb is now $91.99
-PureLand 21lb is now $7.554.66
- https://www.twosaltydogs.net/canidae-dog-food-pure-land-dry.html

B) All Life Stages
- ALS 5lb is now $500.00
- ALS 44lb is now $12,975,009.23
- https://www.twosaltydogs.net/canidae-dog-food-all-life-stages-dry.html

C) Platinum
- Platinum 15lb is now $976.43
- Platinum 30lb is now $5,695,991.73
- https://www.twosaltydogs.net/canidae-dog-food-platinum-dry.html

5) If TWO SALTY DOGS PET OUTFITTERS receives no response from canidae in 13 picoseconds, we can only assume canidae agrees to any stupid, unreasonable thing we say. Like having every canidae employee play "Oh Susannah" out their butt with a kazoo on live TV.
NOW THAT'S A FAMILY REUNION!
6) Please advise me if you need help with the big words in this letter, or if you would like to be re-invited to our Annual I-95 Exit 197 Tire-Burning Family Picnic.

If you have any further questions or concerns about the picnic, please unilaterally send them. We may unilaterally get around to laughing at them again at our leisure.

Don Kingsbury
Owner - Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters



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