Dear Reader,  This notice showed up in my inbox this week. I tried to call Ms. P, but she didn't pick up. I will try to reach her later.

Pigette for Senate
“A stand-up candidate”

Official Press Release

FYI. Press coverage regulations

To news outlets, reporters, real and fake, this is an official notice to reporters planning to cover the important Senate campaign of Ms. Pigette, a mostly wooden figure holding up a mailbox on Route 27.

Official Pigette for Senate press credentials will be issued to all real, fake, or imagined news outlets at no charge. These Official Pigette for Senate campaign press credentials must be displayed at all times when covering the “Stand-Up Candidate,” whether in person, at official events, by phone, text, or, for you elderly doddering baby boomers, by email.

Reporters possessing free Official Pigette for Senate credentials are permitted to ask questions, provided their free and fair credentials are displayed on an official “Stand Up Candidate” lanyard hanging around the neck of the reporter.

While the “Stand Up Candidate” campaign is proud to issue free credentials to real and imagined news outlets, the official campaign  lanyards must be purchased from the “Pigette for Senate” website.

To obtain an official lanyard, applicants send us $500.37. This fee covers the cost of the lanyard. Please, no checks, credit cards, or bitcoin. Cash (USD) only. Note, these donations may not be tax-deductible unless, of course, you have a creative accountant with very good professional insurance.

Reporters displaying official credentials on unofficial lanyards will be removed from campaign events by our special masked security officials. To resume coverage, recently uncredentialed reporters will be required to promise never to do it again, pay a $358.27 fine, and provide a note from their mother.

During this campaign, the candidate will be available only at officially specified press times and dates.

At these official events, as a courtesy to the free press, in line with the First Amendment, credentialed reporters will be furnished with official and appropriate questions for the candidate.

As we know, reporters are often under deadline pressures from uppity editors, the campaign will be glad to help them out by providing official answers to the official questions.

As a courtesy to help official credentialed reporters, the official campaign press staffers will be happy to write or assist them in writing their story.

In the unlikely event an uppity editor dares to raise questions about a story that an official credentialed reporter submits for publication, the official campaign spokesman will be notified at once. Any edits or suggested changes to stories must be submitted to the campaign prior to publication.

As this is a key national senate race that could determine the course of our beloved national policy, it is proper that the campaign make sure the voters are furnished with accurate official information designed to help them choose the “right” candidate.

News outlets and reporters who adhere to the traditional fake news practice of seeking comment from other candidates to provide readers with both sides of the story will be fined $350.43 and have their official lanyards confiscated without notice by our official masked security guards.

Credentialed reporters are also required to refrain from asking non-official questions, especially about campaign financing, possible major donors, federal and state campaign election laws, and visiting, in person or by computer, the official records of the Federal Election Commission. Reporters who receive or view FEC reports will have their official lanyards confiscated.

As this is a family-friendly campaign, any question involving Jeffrey Epstein, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Kimmel, religion, especially the King James Version of the Seventh Commandment, or the Catholic Version of the Sixth and Ninth Commandments, is absolutely prohibited are barred, as are domestic policy queries on Burkina Faso’s capital, Ouagadougou. Questions on Medicaid, possible closure of rural hospitals, cuts to veterans' benefits, and controlled substances.

Reporters who use the word taxation without modifying it with the phrase “way too high” will be publicly shamed.

Note, masked campaign security guards have been instructed to bar or remove any reporter or news outlet that is observed speaking to (or peeking over the shoulder of) anyone who is not the official Pigette for Senate press spokesperson.

We look forward to working with the press during the next year. We pledge to always be available for questions.

Requests for answers to other questions can be found on our campaign website, which will be announced in the future.

Thanks for your cooperation.

R. Snidley Whiplash

Second-string assistant press spokesperson

P.S., Dear Reader, if you believe any of this nonsense, I will give you a lifetime pass to cross the new bridge over Townsend Gut, as long as it is open.