WE LOVE HATE MAIL- AUGUST 2022
HEARTBREAK HOTEL
It was Memorial Day Weekend and I was busy remembering the fallen heroes of our nation and hoping people bought enough stuff at the store so I could settle the lawsuit against Fudgie out of court.
Things were looking up until a couple interjected themselves between me and a customer who wanted to pay their substantial bill in cash.
"Where's the hotel?" The woman asked.
"Where's your hotel....? Hmmmmm....?" I said sleepily, grasping the wad of 20's from my customer like a grateful leper. These people were obviously deranged. Should I call senior services? Were they high? Should I have Lyle charge the tazer?
"No, no! Where's the hotel that burned DOWN?" the man said.
"Oh, for Dog's Sake," I said to myself, "Here we go. These people get all tingly seeing a kids' car seat in the middle of the interstate after a horrible accident."
"Are you speaking literally or are we talking about some kind of metaphorical military speak like HOTEL - BRAVO - X-RAY - ASSHAT - NAMASTE - LARYNX - SCIMITAR - CHUNKBUTT.....
She cut me off... "No no no.... It's the one that burned down on the 24th."
"Do you have reservations?"
"What?... No."
"Well they won't let you pitch a tent out there. They hardly let you pitch a tent anywhere anymore."
My juvenile joke was wasted on them.
He countered with, "Where's the hotel?" in a serious tone. Like if I didn't tell him he'd run right up to the Chamber of Commerce and tell them I punched him in the face when he asked for the best lobster roll in town. Like it was my duty as a shop owner in Boothbay Harbor to send him directly into the heart of a spectacle that was borne out of people's misery and broken lives just for his personal amusement.
I caught his eyes and told him like I was telling him the way to The Holy Grail; "Go out my door. Turn right. Go through the traffic light. Go straight through the rotary. Directly opposite the Dunkin' Donuts, take a right onto 'Country Club Road.' Go to 119 and turn right."
They seemed pretty happy to be off.
To the Dump.
Sorry. "Boothbay Region Refuse Disposal District."
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