As this is the final column prior to the 2016 election, I thought I would have a final chat with Ms. Pigette, the local authority on all things political.

Sources tell us she is at an undisclosed location undergoing a series of magical mystical beauty treatments. At least, that is what she says, and who am I to dispute her word.

For years, Ms. Pig stood across the street from Joan Rittall’s home on Route 27. She is a fixture in our local culture, often showing off her figure in outfits appropriate (or not) for the season.

Not only is she an acute observer, but a confidant to those “in the know.”

Over this political season, she has shared some of her observations with readers of the Boothbay Register and the Wiscasset Newspaper.

While she is not on Facebook or Twitter, a source gave me her phone number. I needed a column, so I gave it a try and dialed her phone.

Ms. Pigette: Hello, Go away. I gave at the office.

Old News Guy: Ms. Pigette, it’s me, the Old News Guy, I wondered how you are doing.

P: Well, until the phone rang, I thought the day couldn’t get worse. Then I picked up the phone, spilled the jello and you were on the line. What do you want, this time?

ONG: Same as always. You know, Election Day is Tuesday.  I thought I would give you one more chance to pontificate on the race before we vote.

P: Of course. My phone has been ringing off the wall with alleged pollsters trying to get me to support this candidate or that cause. They wanted me to vote early and didn’t seem to understand when I told them I couldn’t vote because I am a pig carved out of a block of pine.

When I said that to a Republican caller, she thought it was because I was not registered so she mailed me a form. Well, the next day, I got one from the Democrats, the Green Party, the Libertarians and an old Time Warner bill for cable service I cancelled months ago.

So far, I have not heard from the Vote Yes on Question 1 campaign. Just between us, do you think they might send me a sample? 

ONG: I doubt it. What about politics? What is your take?

P: Well, don’t tell anyone, but the real story of this election year is how the Republican presidential candidate hates the Republicans more than the Democrats. And lots of Democrats are not happy with the Democrat candidate either.

ONG: Well, Ms. Pig-a-mondo, that is no secret. It has been a constant theme since the national conventions.

P: Ya. But It is getting a lot worse. Some of the GOP biggies are even arguing on the air with anchors from Fox News.

Talk about screwball years, if you told me the right wingers were complaining about Fox on Fox, the next thing you are going to say is the Cleveland Indians and the Chicago Cubs were in the World Series.

ONG: The Indians and Cubs were in the World Series.

P: OK, OK. Next question.

ONG: I hoped you might have some insight into what the national candidates have to say about climate change, energy policy, taxation, economic growth, foreign policy, you know, the great issues of the day.

P: No one is talking about the great issues facing our nation. The Republican guy and his stooges spend most of their time yelling that the Democrat lady should be in jail.

The Democrat lady and her talkers accuse the Republican guy of grabbing women in improper places at improper times, like all the time.

Then you have emails and Bengazi, racial, religious, and sexual insults, and of course, foundations on both sides that did, or did not, commit hanky panky.

On top of it, the FBI is back in the mix. I have never seen anything like it.

And, by the way, I would rather have termites (again) than see any more negative ads.

ONG: Well, we are all bombarded with negative ads hammering candidates on both sides. If we hate them, why are they still used?

P: Well, Buster. There is a reason candidates pay good money for negative ads. They work on people like you.

ONG: One more question. Who is going to win?

P: Just like always, the American people. Every time we have a free election, we strengthen our nation.

ONG: You are right. Did I ever tell you of the time I saw a “free” election in South Vietnam? We saw armed soldiers “help” folks mark their ballots. That’s never going to happen here.