WE LOVE HATE MAIL - DECEMBER
Gigantic Guy with Tiny Dog: "Do you have one of those metal collars?"
ME: "Metal Collars?"
GGwTD: "Made with the chain..."
ME: "Oh! CHOKE Collars! No. We don't carry them, Sorry."
GGwTD: "I don't choke my dog."
ME: "Technically, you're right. The collar does that. But if you just got just one of your gigantic hands around that dog's neck, you could..."
GGwTD: <Sends me a glaring look.> "Every time I come in here you're eating."
ME: "No wonder I've been gaining weight. Would you mind coming in less frequently?"
GGwTD: "You're some kind of wise-ass. I wonder what your boss will think about that. And what your wife and family will think when you're out of a job."
ME: "OH, PLEASE MISTER, PLEASE DON"T TATTLE ON ME!! My boss said it was the last straw when I filled the company truck up with kerosene instead of gasoline and left the emergency brake off and the truck rolled into the harbor and landed on Old Man Creutzfeld's dingy and sunk his bait barge. So of course Old Man Creutzfeld took his shotgun and tried to shoot my boss when he was skinning a couple goats for our Annual Godless Summer Festival..."
ME: "And my wife says if lose another job this summer that she's going to take little Mbutu and Cayenne back to her ex-boyfriend's in Buckfield who happens to be my meth dealer and half-brother....
ME: <Hiding my face. Sobbing uncontrollably.>
GGwTD: "You shouldn't be so snarky to people. It turns them off."
ME: "THAT'S JUST WHAT MY HALF-BROTHER SAYS! LOOK, OH PLEASE MISTER!! DON'T TURN ME IN! I'LL EVEN HELP CHOKE YOUR DOG! I WON'T EVEN TELL ANYONE!
GGwTD: "I don't... That's OK.... Wait....What??"
ME: "Thank you mister! Thank you!"
ME: "Thanks for shopping with us today!"
~ Don (Not a Dog)