Tim writes,
"I placed an online order a few days ago, and I got no confirmation, no order shipped email, nothing. Yet my bank shows you were quick to take the money. What gives? Status please."

Dear Tim,
Sorry about that! We did take your money!!! You'll have to knife-fight a rhesus monkey on Facebook Live to get it back. I'm very, very sorry... I mean sleepy. I'm very, very sleepy.

Haha!!! I might be kidding!!!

Tim, you seem to be a direct man who can handle adversity and I'll be honest with you. I had to borrow your money because it was a rough month for Esperanza and me. We had to drive Ed's '86 Monte Carlo with the carbon monoxide leak all the way up to Augusta to have a set of pliers removed from little Amber's nose. It started out as an innocent little game amongst her friends - trying to pull out the most nasal polyps before the Cranberries video "Zombie" ended. Unfortunately, Amber got carbon monoxided in Ed's car and is now in an iron lung with the pliers still up her nose. They won't tell us exactly where she is, but after going online and reading a bunch of conspiracy theories, I believe she is being held somewhere in the secret underground bat tunnels of the old lunatic asylum up in Bangor.

My cousin Fausto needs those pliers to finish his journeyman's license at the Irresponsible School of Internet Dentistry of Burbank California (ISIDBC). Well, I owe Fausto BIG TIME for when he put out the drug fire in my ex-wife's ice fishing shack, and I'm not going to get the deposit on the Iron Lung back for a couple months. And just so you know, the last time I rented an Iron Lung it was full of a zillion sucky charges like:

- Bunion Removal Charge- $101.76
- Chef Ramsey's Bollocks Fee- $23.35
- Imitation Dry Ice Financing- $36.92
- Deferred Punch to the Face- $12.05
- US Army Corps of Engineers- $764.67
- Oregon Flatulence Project- $38.53
- Superfund Site Obligation- $1.42
- Nonrefundable Bong Deposit- $5.97
- Roberto Alomar's Spunky Fund- $3.87
- Octopus Re-Homing Charge- $3.23
- Digging up William Frawley and Charging His Corpse with Larceny - $39.35

So I wouldn't expect a refund anytime soon, Tim.

SERIOUSLY:
This usually happens because the person making the web order gave an incorrect email. Yep. I just checked it. The email you gave me was wrong by two characters. And let's be frank here: You placed your order on Saturday night at 10:46pm. This email I am responding to is time-stamped Monday 3:12pm. Sunday is not a business day. I am also guessing you were pretty liquored up on Saturday night to miss two characters of your own email address.

If, in future, you are ever worried an online business has been "quick to take your money" please have your credit card contact the merchant directly. This makes you seem like much less of an whining little twat.

I trust this concludes the matter. If not, please have your legal guardian contact me.

I remain,

~ Don (Not a Dog)

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