What choices do I have? Who should I talk to? Who would coordinate my care? Can I stay home? Will my pain be managed? Who will listen to me? Does anyone really care how I feel? These are questions heard frequently when someone is diagnosed with a serious illness or caring for someone with advanced chronic or life-limiting illness.

April 16 was Health Care Decisions Day, a nationally designated day to pause and make sure your Advance Directive is up-to-date. Maybe you haven’t filled out one at all. What is an advance directive? Why is it important?

In Maine the document is called the Maine Health Care Directive and it is available online or at any health care facility or agency. The purpose of the directive is to let those closest to you, people you trust, have information from you/about you decisions are made about your care, if you become incapable of advocating for yourself.

Not a very pleasant topic you say? Well, depending on the way the conversation goes, it might not be. However, if the conversation is thoughtful, kind, sensitive and caring, it might just be the best conversation you ever had. If the later, I can almost guarantee, it would be something you might treasure forever.

A couple years ago, my friend called to catch up. She and her husband are retired, and like so many retirees, they spend winter months in Florida. My friend and I don’t see each other much anymore; however, our history goes back a long way. We were college roommates and over the years have remained close friends. Our children grew up together; our families skied together every weekend; we spent summers at camp. We cried and laughed together through all the challenges that life handed us.

I knew my friend’s birthday was fast approaching. She and I would often celebrate our birthdays over dinner. This year our plans had an interesting dimension. My friend asked if I would help her fill out an advance directive, something she had wanted to do, but always been “afraid” of doing. The conversation would be too difficult. Now, she was asking for a conversation on advance directives to be her birthday present.

We agreed to meet for dinner. She spread her advance directive on the table and for several hours we discussed each section in the document. She asked for clarification on the language and considered the pros and cons of each possible answer.

A lengthy discussion ensued about whom to designate as her health care decision-maker (Durable Medical Power of Attorney) should she be unable to make decisions for herself. I encouraged her to consider someone trustworthy; a strong advocate; good communicator; someone respectful; capable of being objective.

The designated person needs common sense as well as sound judgment and excellent problem-solving skills. I continued by saying that a name on paper is only the first step. Conversation, like we were having, needed to follow with the person she chose, as well as her family.

Our dinner was good, but the conversation was something I’ll always treasure. And no, it wasn’t without tears. But tears are gifts, too. When my friend returns to Maine in May this year, we’ll get together again just to catch up. We’ve shared a lot of memories over the years, but not many can compare with the conversation we had over a glass of wine, dinner, dessert and advance directives.