Thu, 01/06/2022 - 7:00am


1) Take a page from motorcyclists who remove the baffles from their mufflers so the ear-splitting sound makes them "safer" on the road.

Lay fully on your horn from the second you leave your driveway until your destination. That way, everyone will know exactly where you are and not slam into you. At least unintentionally. And definitely DON'T wear a motorcycle helmet. That doesn't make you safer in the slightest.

2) If you're in very fast freeway traffic, make sure to get as close to the person ahead of you as you possibly can. It doesn't matter if that person is going 30mph over the speed limit and is an ambulance. In fact, the faster they are going, the less space should be between your bumpers. Bonus points for laying on your horn, flicking your lights, "nudging," or if you are in hazardous conditions like a tornado or a 8.9 earthquake.

3) When merging onto the freeway, make sure to look thoroughly for cars in the travel lane. If you think one is in the next state, slam on your brakes and come to a complete stop on the on-ramp. Merge safely onto the freeway as soon as most of your time-zone is asleep or the people behind you are about to set your vehicle on fire.

4) Having an SUV with four-wheel drive means that, unlike your caveman ancestors, you no longer need to care at all about road conditions. Just stomp on that accelerator and weave in and out of that cautious traffic like a beautiful ballerina in your enormous Ford Juxtaposition. Laugh derisively at other drivers who give you a wide berth who understand that four-wheel drive means precisely nothing on ice.

See you in the emergency room.

  • 5) Do you drive a Subaru and wear a bizarre hat? Do you drive a giant, '83 Oldsmobile a solid 20mph under the speed limit? Do you have trouble seeing over the dashboard of your car?

If you answered "Yes" to any or all of these questions, you should consider joining a new government program called "Save Lives - Make Everyone in Boothbay Late for Everything."

Get paid to drive Route 27 from Boothbay Harbor to Route 1 in a continuous, maddeningly S-L-O-W, loop.

Serious applicants only. Like if you are comfortable looking in your rear-view mirror and seeing miles upon miles of stultified traffic behind you and don't feel the need to pull over.