Joe’s Journal

Ms. Pigette explains politics – again

Posted:  Wednesday, October 4, 2017 - 9:00am

Having supported the state firefighters convention arrayed in turnout gear, Ms. Pigette has turned back to her first love – politics.

Actually, that is not right. Her first love is herself. but politics is a close second.

Our town is abuzz with complaints about the traffic snarls on Route 27 during the roundabout construction. Ms. P is in a key position to put her finger, er foot, on the pulse of our community.

As you know, Ms. Pigette, a Boothbay favorite,  sees all, as she stands on Route 27 holding up a mailbox across the street from Joan Rittal’s home. When I stopped for a chat, she couldn’t wait to tell me the real reason Gov. Paul LePage is selling the Back Narrows house he purchased three years ago.

“When I announced I was running for governor, he put it on the market. I guess he decided to sell because he couldn’t stand the competition,” she said.

“Not exactly,” I replied, explaining the Gov, whose term is up in 2018, can’t seek re-election, so he is obviously not threatened by her alleged candidacy.

“I suppose you are going to tell me the Gov didn’t lose all that weight after he heard I was getting into the race?” she snapped.

“Exact-a-mundo, Ms. Pigette,” I replied. "He lost weight because he wanted to get healthy. We all could stand to shed a pound or two,” I said.

She glared at me, shook her head and continued her usual political rap about how the untried ranked voting system, passed by the voters (but given thumbs down by the state’s highest court) makes her the early favorite to be elected governor.

At last count, some sources list almost 30 potential candidates for governor.

She claims that there will be so many candidates claiming first place, the voters will pick their favorite first, and, because everyone loves her, she will get the most second place votes and “voila” waltz into the Blaine House.

I was about to explain how this line of logic is utter nonsense when she glared at me. “Don’t give me that fake news stuff. I have a right to my opinion and that is the way I see it,” she said.

And, she added, if Sen. Susan Collins decides to run for governor, she would support her. Then, according to her logic, Gov. Collins would, naturally, appoint her, Ms. Piggy to the US Senate.

I just shut my eyes, and shook my head in disbelief when the idea of a Ms. Pigette political commercial started to run in my brain.

It began with a smiling Ms. Pigette, wearing a big L.L. Bean hat pulled over her ears, waving to a throng (a huge crowd, of course).

As a chorus of refugees from the Reny’s TV ads chants “Get Jiggy with Piggy,” the Maine State flag waved and she grabbed the microphone and uttered the classic phrase. “Is this damn thing on?” She was immediately greeted by a great groan of feedback. But, as a political pro, she didn’t miss a beat.

“My friends and you are my friends. Who is better suited to bring pork back to the Great State of Maine than Moi? If you want the swamp drained, who is better at rooting out the muck than Moi? I can’t wait to root out the awful offal in the dirty district.”

As she wound up her stock speech, the Boothbay Community Band played the Maine Stein Song while the annoying pair of TV furniture store pitchmen shouted: “Vote for Ms.Piggy – Don’t miss it.”

In the background, I could almost see fog rising from the graves of Margaret Chase Smith, Ed Muskie, Percival Baxter and Hannibal Hamlin as their occupants turned over.

About that time, I was blasted back to reality as the driver of a big rig blew his air horn, stuck his head out the window and gave Ms. Piggy a wave.

“They just love me,” she said, ignoring the small number of fingers on his salute.

“You know, since they started that roundabout construction project, I have met the nicest people as they are stuck in traffic. They all say they can’t wait to vote for someone who will really stand up for something. I guess my years standing by the side of the road finally count for something.”

“You know, listening to all the folks stuck in traffic has been a real educational experience for me,” she said.

“How so,” I wondered. “I thought you knew most everything?”

“Of course, I do, silly, but I learn new things every day. In fact, since they started the roundabout project, I have learned lots of new words. Some of them I can actually repeat in polite company.”