DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME MY WIFE WAS HALF NAKED AND DRANK TOO MUCH AND JUMPED AFTER A FRISBEE THROWN OFF A 20FT DECK? SHE HIT HER HEAD EARLIER IN THE DAY AGAINST A CONCRETE SHEAR WALL AND HAD COME UP TOO QUICKLY FROM DIVING SO OUR INSURANCE POLI
Have you ever thought about ditching the wife during a vacation very, very, very far away from both of your power bases? I thought about it all the time in Newfoundland. Of course all the practicality and litigation that would ensue made the whole thing not worth it.
That got me thinking about what everyone in my little tribe needed to make a vacation a success.
And this is what I came up with.
Traveling can be tough.
Even tougher with family members.
And traveling with dogs can be the worst.
For example, are you worried that your wife will eat a bunch of poison mushrooms under the deck? What about jumping off a deck after an errant frisbee? Lapping up antifreeze from a neighbor’s garage? Biting you in the neck viciously?
Experts will tell you that your wife’s chances of experiencing these traumas are the same as your dog’s. But “the experts” also said at one time that attaching leeches to someone’s private parts would cure them of being phlegmatic. Or was it mercurial? No matter. Just thinking that leeches could cure anyone of anything should tell you that “the experts” are full of black bile and little demons scratching to get out of their skulls.
And that makes me more worried about my dogs than my wife whilst traveling. The dogs don’t have a health plan. They’re lower to the ground and closer to all the germs than Liana. They fart with no shame. And they can’t tell me how much barbed wire / toad / rat poison they ate whereas my wife is easy to understand until I’ve had about 8 beers.
It is with this in mind that when Liana and I took our trip to Newfoundland, we realized how easily our requirements for the rental property slipped through the cracks of the major short-term-rental websites. It simply wasn’t enough for the property to be “pet-friendly.” There had to be filters for all of us, dog and Biped alike, to get the vacation rental that best fit our diverse needs.
And so I present this list of filters I DEMAND be installed on every short-term rental website before I finish this whiskey.
Here be but a mere sampling:
Must have a burlap sack of her enemies patellas personally delivered by The Seventh Horseman every day…. Oh wait… Sorry. That’s Auggie.
Must have Bushmills whiskey in a liquor store or bar within a reasonable distance for Liana to drive.
Can't be in close proximity to jacuzzis, hot tubs, swimming pools, wading pools, deep puddles, hot springs, mud holes, swamps, bogs, marshes, quicksand, or tar pits.
That whole patella thing.
Instead of censored namby-pamby, I use harsh language and hardcore nudity in our November newsletter to get my points across. Explore it all here: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-november-2023-7226136
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