"Domestic abuse and violence is a pattern of controlling behavior in the context of a current or former relationship. One person purposefully seeks to limit the rights of their partner. The actions of the abusive person are purposeful and chosen. They are based on a belief system that tells them they are entitled to privilege their desires and needs above their partner's." - Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence

 "With Survivors, Always" is the returning theme for this year's October's observance of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  This behavior pattern can include a variety of tactics, including physical, verbal, emotional, financial and sexual control and violence.

Survivors, after escaping from years of a daily existence of fear, physical and mental abuse, feelings of loneliness, self-loathing, existing in a fight or flight state of being, are taking their first deep breaths of thanks and hope and exhaling the negative energy housed in their bodies and minds for what was an eternity.

Ida lives in Lincoln County. She and her ex-husband were together 2007-2013. His first arrest was in 2013 after their second child was born. The man was removed from their home until 2016 because he said he’d changed, but three years later he was arrested again. At some point a third child was born to the family that also included two cats, chickens, and a dog. Recalls Ida, “All in all we were together for 12 years with a three-year gap in the middle when we attended couple’s counseling, one of the worst experiences of my life: The therapist enabled and encouraged the abuse.”

As is the case for most women, Ida had no one to confide in while she remained in the family home. Her husband removed all of her friends through isolation, and said  that she had been mistreated by her family. However, Ida’s father visited for lunch daily until his death in 2014.

“I have no idea why my ex-husband tolerated my father; my only guess is my father was a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer,” Ida shared. “The only friends that were permitted to come to our house were his friends, who were, as he put it, 'safe.' My friends were removed and talked badly about by him. I had grown up where we lived, yet I had almost no one close to me.”

It wasn't until a couple of Ida's coworkers who, as Ida said, “... recognized the things they saw in me and encouraged me to seek help. Which I did, through New Hope Midcoast. This saved my life.”

Ida discovered Finding Our Voices online, after getting herself and her family free from their abuser. She spoke with FOV Founder and President Patrisha McLean on the phone, and while interested in becoming an active participant, it wasn't the right time. However, after her divorce was finalized she contacted Patrisha again.

Ida is one of the 50 women whose photos grace 18 x 24 "Let's Talk About It" posters, some still displayed locally in many stores in Boothbay and Boothbay Harbor. Ida's quote: My mind and body are my own again. "I was not allowed to make choices about my own body or my own intellectual growth while in a relationship," Ida said. "My freedom meant I was able to live my life on my own terms. I have been to events, rallies, panel discussions, and the Monday evening support group that FOV hosts." 

Mary Lou has been part of FOV since its beginning, sharing her story up and down the Maine coast and across the state. 

"To finally escape such a situation, because it seems the longer you are in it, the less you feel worthy ... It's so hard to move out of it because you're conditioned," Mary Lou said. "Everything they tell you, what you are, what you're not; all of the manipulation and the violence just immobilizes you the longer it goes on." 

Mary Lou finds a lot people who've never experienced domestic abuse can't understand why a woman wouldn't just walk out the door. And she understands that. "But, no one chooses to be abused. My ex  taught in a graduate program at a university.  We looked like the stellar family, you know,  this wonderful Catholic family with four kids going to church and all that. But it was hell inside."

She reached a point after 43 years in an abusive relationship she contemplated taking her own life with pills just to make it all end. Mary Lou told her husband what she’d almost done. She vividly recalls his chilling response, "I'll show you how to put a gun to your head and be successful committing suicide.”

The next day her husband announced he was leaving and she would never see him again. “But I said no, I was leaving him and he would never see me again. And I was committed,” said Mary Lou. “I wrote an essay about how, as the garage door went down as I was pulling out I was leaving all that hell on Earth there. And to hear that sound the door made while closing I thought this is over. And I’ve never looked back.”

While participating in "Let's Talk About It" events with other FOV surivors recently, including McLean, at Scarborough Library, Mary Lou spoke with a young woman, gave her materials and answered her questions. 

"It was very intense, and so, like, say that that was probably in October, and then probably four or five months later, we were doing something in Freeport and this woman came up to me and she said, 'Mary Lou, thank you for taking the time and talking to me because I left my abuser shortly after I went to the presentation and went through the materials that you gave me.' Sometimes it comes back to us in so many different ways."

McLean updates, "We are now up to an average of eight women survivors a day from across Maine reaching out for help, often in desperate need. They hear about us from our events and poster campaign and referrals from the 1,000-plus survivors  we have thus far assisted,  as well as our dozens of referral partners including therapists, caseworkers, police. Word has gotten out all across Maine about the responsive and compassionate resource we are for Maine women survivors of domestic abuse and their children!"

To support the work of New Hope Midcoast and Finding Our Voices you can make a monetary donation, sign up to volunteer your time and talents at special events; become one of NHM's 24-hour hotline responders. Listen. Support. Care. Do all of these without judgement.

“I have been out for just over seven years,” said Ida. “Learning and trusting is something that's difficult for many survivors. Many of us struggle to recognize what is actually safe in relationships, and unwittingly fall back on what we recognize."

Informational resources: 

https://findingourvoices.net/   FOV link to events https://findingourvoices.net/events-1

https://newhopemidcoast.org/ - Serves Sagadahoc, Lincoln, Knox and Waldo counties in Maine.

New Hope Midcoast's 24/7 hotline: 1-800-522-3304

https://www.mcedv.org/