ALARMING TITLE THAT GRABS YOUR EYE

Mon, 12/11/2023 - 8:00am

READ THE ENTIRE STORY HERE, UNFETTERED BY THE CONSTRAINTS OF PURITANICAL NEW ENGLAND MORALITY: https://www.twosaltydogs.net/blog/the-best-birthday-ever-by-marz

 

THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!! – By Marz

I had a birthday! It was super awesome! It was my second one!!! I’m two years old!!! We had another cake and everything!! My second cake was even better than the first one!! It was better than Auggie’s birthday cake!!! Don’t tell Auggie!! I don’t want him to be sad!! Or angry!! Auggie can get pretty angry!!! Most times it’s at me!!! And most times he gets angry about things like me having a better birthday cake than him!!!!!

A BIRTHDAY BREAKFEAST!!

Don and Liana didn’t give me any warning!!! One day it wasn’t my birthday, and the next day it was!!! There was no in-between!!!! My birthday started out awesome!!!! Don was still in bed and he said “Happy Birthday!!” Then he told me to go get a toy!!! He always needs a toy to get out of bed!!! I knew the perfect toy to get Don out of bed!! It was The Gary the Alligator!!! It’s a really big toy!!! It’s not as big as a real alligator, but it’s pretty big!!! I put it right in his face!!! Don was REALLY impressed!! He grabbed it and ran into the bathroom!!!! I barked and barked at the door until Liana made Auggie and me go outside for pee-pees and poopies!!! Don was still in there!!!

We came in and had breakfast and our medicines!!! Don and Liana kept saying “Happy Birthday, Fudgie!!!” all morning! Auggie got really excited!! I forgot what “Happy Birthday” meant!! But Auggie knew!!! He’s twelve frickin’ years old and he lived with a zillion other dogs like Max and Teddy!!!!!!! There was probably a birthday every day when they were all together!! No wonder Auggie was excited!!! He’s seen pretty much everything a dog can see in this world!!

Then Don gave me a HUGE piece of bacon from his breakfast!!! It was so delicious!!!! Auggie got one too, but it wasn’t as big as mine and mine had catsup on it from his scrambled eggs!!!! Bacon and catsup are my new jam!! I wonder if they make Bacon & Catsup dog food!!! That would be awesome!!!

Then Don put all the breakfast plates on the floor and we got to lick them!!!!! Auggie and I got those plates SOOOO clean!!! There were scraps of bacon!!!! There were little scraps of French toast and strawberries on there too!!! There was some butter and maple syrup and vanilla!!! I felt bad that Don and Liana didn’t get to lick their plates!!! But they probably wouldn’t have been able to lick them as clean as Auggie and me!!!! Those plates were so clean when we were done that Liana could put them right back into the cupboard!!!! It took us over 10 minutes to get them completely clean!!

 

BIG BIRTHDAY ADVENTURE TIME!!

Then we all went outside and played with the Gigantic Jolly Ball I rescued from the ocean!!! Even Auggie tried to pull it around the yard!!!! It seemed like he really enjoyed it!!!! I even saw him smile!! I love Auggie so much!!! He’s my best big brother!!!!

Then we all piled into Don’s truck!!! Even Liana!!! That was so much fun!! I tried to hop up into the front passenger seat, but Liana told me to get in the back!!! It was OK!!! I just wanted to see what I could get away with on my Birthday!!!!

Don’s truck was awful!!!! I couldn’t see out the windows. Where were we going? Wherever it was, it was too long!! It was sooooo boring!!! Where were we going?!?! When were we going to get there?!?!? I had to pee!!! After about a million years we ended up at Hendricks Head Beach at low tide!!! That’s my favorite tide!!!! Don had the Chuck-It launcher and a whole bunch of tennis balls!! Even Auggie was swimming and fetching!!!! He wasn’t as fast as me, but he was awfully smart!!! Sometimes Auggie got a ball I couldn’t see!!! But Auggie could see it!!!!!! He got the ones I missed!!! He doesn’t even see very good!!

We stayed at Hendricks Head Beach for a super long time and everyone pooped!! Except for Don and Liana!! They pooped at the cabin!!! Then we got back in the car and went to the shop!!! Only I didn’t know we were going to the shop because I can’t see out any of the ding-dang windows!!!! Then I tried to shake off all the water on my coat and Don yelled at me!! He yelled at me on my second birthday!!! He yelled, “DON’T SHAKE INSIDE MY TRUCK FUDGIE!!!! GAWD!!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU!!!!! BAD DOG!!!!”

I was very sad! I think Liana was sad, too!!! Or maybe she was mad because she had Hendricks Head Beach water all over her eyes and face!!! It looked like she was crying!! Everything turned out OK because Don and Auggie and I went on a super-long walk after we dropped Liana off at the shop!!!

We went to Zak Preserve!!! It’s supposed to be a dog-on-a-leash preserve ONLY because of all the birds. But it was October and Don said to Liana, “They’re going to mow the fields in a couple weeks anyway. Good luck, birds.” I don’t think Don likes birds very much!!

So Auggie and I got to run all around Zak Preserve!!! It was a super-long hike!!! I was worried!! I thought we were lost!!! Auggie said I was stupid!! That wasn’t a nice thing to say on my Birthday, Auggie!!! He said he had hiked Zak Preserve a zillion times before and I was being a huge downer!! I don’t know why he would say that!! I kept thinking we were lost in the woods until we came out on that HUGE field!!!!! Then I could see the truck on the other side of the field!!! Don and Auggie are so smart!!! Auggie didn’t make fun of me afterwards for being worried!!! He’s my best friend!! It was my birthday!!!!!

CAKE FOR ALL!!

Don made me and Auggie shake all the junk off our coats before he let us into his super-clean truck!!! It was junk like seawater, pine needles, and mud!!!!! He kept saying, “Shake! Shake Auggie!! Shake Marz!!! Be a good boy!!! SHAKE!!!” Don was moving his hand back and forth…. and then Auggie shook himself from tip to tail!!!!! Then I knew what to do!!! I shook myself like Auggie!!!! From my cold, wet nose to the tippie-toe of my tail!!! Don said I was a GOOD BOY, and gave me a big head rub!!!! Auggie said I was a suck-up and wished me a happy birthday again!!! That was twice in one day!!!! THANK YOU AUGGIE!!! You’re the best big brother EVER!!!!

We got back to the shop and Don gave us each a smoked pig ear treat!!!!! Smoked pig ears are the best!! We grabbed them and ran out back where Liana put our dog beds in the warm sun!!! There’s nothing better than eating a smoked pig ear in the warm October sun!!! Maybe eating two smoked pig ears in the warm October sun!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was a funny joke!!!!!!

Then they brought out THE CAKE! I turned around at the counter door and saw THE CAKE!!!

It was sooooooo big!! You could smell all that peanut butter from the next state!!!! Peanut Butter cake is the BEST!! Not as good as smoked pig ears, but it’s still really good!!! If the Bipeds could make a pig ear cake, it would be the best thing since small, muddy puddles!!!!

Then Don let us out the swing door. Liana put THE CAKE right in the middle of the floor!! Auggie and I were Good Boys!! We didn’t just run at the cake like a couple of squirrels!! We waited for Liana to give us the signals!!! Then I got to eat as much of the cake as I wanted for about a minute!!! Then Liana split THE CAKE up evenly and Auggie and I got to eat the rest!!! It was really fun!!! THE CAKE was so good!!! Don and Liana didn’t have any cake!!! Auggie had a bit of frosting on his nose!! I wanted to lick it clean but I had a blob of frosting on my nose!!!! I wish I could have licked Auggie’s frosting clean!!! He would have thought I was freak!!!!

Then Liana and Auggie went back to Pownal!!! That left Don and me out on the town!!!! Then we went out on the town!!! It was my birthday!!!!!!

A ROBINSON’S WHARF NIGHTCAP!!

Then Don drove us to Southport over the bridge that goes “Brrrrrrrrrrrr! Ching! Brrrrrrrrrrr! ….. Ching! Brrrrrrrrr!! CHING!!!!” I love that bridge!!! Even if I’m asleep in the back seat, I know I’m almost home!!!! I know I’m only minutes away from that Giant Jolly Ball!!!

Don pulled into Robinson’s Wharf like he always does!!! He left me with a little treat and he went inside! I was OK with it!! I was really tired!!!! I barely ate the treat!! My tummy was full!! I went right to sleep!!!

Don woke me up after that!!!! He grabbed a leash and put it around his shoulders!!! Then he let me out of the truck!!!!!

This was going to be the best Birthday Present EVER!!!!

We went out back where Hugh has all his lobster tanks!! There were lobster boats everywhere!!!! Don took me down on the docks!!! There was a whole bunch of bait and seagull poop everywhere!!! It was awesome!! Don kept yelling at me to not eat the seagull poop!!! He said I would get sick and he didn’t want to clean up my puke and diarrhea!!! So I stopped eating seagull poop and only licked up lobster bait juice on the deck!!!! It was scrumptious!!!! And I peed on the bait juice when I was done with it!!! No dog could ever touch it again!!!! Unless they liked to drink my pee!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Don and I walked all over the the docks!!!! It was awesome!!! It was the best!!!! I never saw anything like that before!!! Then we came back up the runway and Don didn’t put me in the car!!!!!

We went inside Robinson’s!!!! It was the best!!!!!!!!

I thought Don went into Robinson’s to relax with other high-class people in camelhair sofas with big, stinky, Macanudo cigars, and getting their heads softly warmed with whiskey and other earthy liquors!!!

Turns out IT’S SO MUCH BETTER!!!!

There was hardly anyone in the whole place!!! Food scraps were everywhere on the floor!!! They were prime for the plucking!!! There was even a couple huge french fries on the stairs!!!!!

I think Don expected me to say “HI!” to everyone in there!!! But there were almost no Bipeds in there!!! I just ate the tasty crumbs all over the floor. The floor smelled so good!!!! A dog only need to lap them up!!! And this dog did!!!

I loved Robinson’s!!! Don even let me get behind the bar!!! THE BAR!!!! The bartender was very nice!!!! She let me sniff under the bar!! Then she gave me green beans and little tomatoes!! They were so good!!!! She didn’t give Don any!!!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Then we got in the truck and went home and had dinner, medicines and Don started a fire. I watched TV with my head in his lap until I fell asleep.

It was the Best Birthday Ever!!!!!!!!!

Marzipan Fin Tim Limb Bin Bus Stop F’Tang F’Tang Ole biscuit Barrel Kingsbury


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