Having an e-commerce website is like being an overworked schizophrenic where every day is either Christmas or a Colonoscopy.

There are days where the orders roll in and you feel on top of the world. Some days you get a $500 order and want to congratulate yourself on being such a genius. But most days are having just a few orders.

Then there are the knuckleheads like Blake and Philip - who are total nightmares. They ignore my calls and emails. They claim I bill them for products they didn't order.

Of course, if I were in the situation they claim to be, the first thing I'd do is call my credit card. But they never seem to get around to it. It's much easier to call up a small store and yell at an employee who has no idea what you're talking about. It's also super satisfying to write a horrible review about how "The Owner" threatened to show up at your house in Weevil, Texas and beat your children with a crankshaft to "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats.

I guess the point of this whole rambling opening is that I've experienced quite a range of customer reactions and reviews to our website. But nothing could prepare me for the incomprehensible Lisa Bell.

She sent me an email on the morning of February 27th that simply said, "My item was never delivered." I looked into it and the item was delivered.

So I began to write an email back about how I'd be glad to send a replacement if she'd fill out a form I needed to activate the Post Office Insurance.

Then I got a notification someone reviewed the Catnip Wool Ball. And it was Lisa Bell. It said;

"Disappointed. Item is marked as delivered on February 17th. It is now February 27th. I have never received a delivery." It was rated One Star.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. Did she think I was the Post Office? Did she think the Catnip Ball deserved a 1-star rating? Did she think this 1-star review would make me want to help her? What planet was she writing from?

You can go to the page link above and read my actual response. But this is what I wanted to write:

Dear Ms. Bell Jar;

I'm having trouble figuring out whether you are really young or really old. Perhaps you are middle-aged and just soft in the head. No matter.

It seems like you are having trouble identifying the source of your passive-aggressiveness. Why would you give the poor, poor catnip ball a 1-star review? Technically, you are not qualified to give a review at all, as you admit you never received the product. It would be like me writing a poor review of Moby Dick without ever actually hunted a white whale.

In my future potential customers' eyes, this will make your review suspect. And therefore I must report you to Google's Truth In Internet Reviews Ministry (GTIIRM). Please understand this is only a formality I am required to perform. GTIIRM has only ever revoked internet access for people who give slightly more inaccurate reviews than you did here. Unless you wrote a whole bunch more unfathomable reviews in the last year. Then GTIIRM will batter your front door down in the middle of the night and relocate you to a horrible little island off the coast of Greenland without internet access and where your only activity will be growing a lichen garden from your own pee and sputum.

In the meantime, please allow me to assure you that GTIIRM will tell me where to send your refund check that must be notarized by 3 Eskimos and a Beluga whale within 15 days of issue to be valid.

If you have any other urge to purchase anything from my website, please stab yourself in the temple with a railroad spike.

I remain,

~ Don (Not a Dog nor Eskimo)
Regional Director for Google's Truth In Internet Reviews Department

This little tidbit was wrestled from our massive April newsletter “The Salty Paws.” If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t have a lot to do employment-wise, why not fritter and waste away your day guffawing like a jughead by clicking here: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-april-2023-7226064

Sign up for our Salty Paws Newsletter because no one in their right mind will employ you: https://us8.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=0e5740287c6b4fe45247c8351&id=315369d469